Cairaguas (cairaguas) wrote in songlations,
Cairaguas
cairaguas
songlations

Translated Spanish Jokes

I feel like translating jokes.
Topics:  Mother-Child, Doctor-Patient, Pun and Misunderstanding, and finally, Mother-in-Law.

(1)

Estaba Juanito viendo la tele cuando su mamá le grita:
¡Juanito¡ ¿Quién tomó del refrigerador el pastel que iba a compartir en la tarde con las señoras?
Juanito dice:
Yo mamá, se lo di a un niño que estaba hambriento.
La mamá le dice:
Ay que lindo, ¿Y quién era ese niño hijito?
Juanito dice:
¡Yo mamá!


Juanito was watching television when his mother yells at him:
Juanito! Who took the cake that I was going to share with the ladies in the afternoon from the refrigerator?
Juanito says:
Me, mother. I gave it to a boy who was very hungry.
The mother says to him:
Oh, how sweet. And who was that boy, my son?
Juanito says:
Me, mother!

(2)

Un hombre se despierta súbitamente a las tres de la madrugada, y al sentirse mal, llama a su médico. El galeno llega a su casa y lo examina minuciosamente, haciendo gestos de disgusto.
Por favor, llame a todos sus hijos, a su abogado y a un notario, le dice.
¿Qué tan mal estoy, doctor? ¿Me voy a morir?
El médico responde:
¡Nada de eso! ¡Lo que pasa es que no quiero ser el único estúpido que despiertan a las tres de la madrugada, por gusto!


A man wakes up suddenly at three in the morning, and on feeling ill, calls his doctor. The doc arrives at his house and examines him closely, making gestures of displeasure.
Please, call all your children, your lawyer, and a notary, he says.
How ill am I, doctor? Am I going to die?
The physician responds:
None of that! [What's going on is that] I don't want to be the only idiot woken up at three in the morning for someone's pleasure.

Notes:
* madrugada = dawn, very early morning
* galeno = doctor (colloquial)

(3)

Érase una pareja de campesinos que después de tanto añorar tener un hijo, al fin consiguieron su cometido. Tuvieron un niño al que le llamaron Tiros.
Tiros creció como cualquier niño normal y, una vez alcanzada la mayoría de edad, se fue para la capital.
Después de algunos meses sin tener noticias de Tiros, el dueño de la tienda del pueblo, que había estado leyendo el periódico, llamó al padre de Tiros diciéndole:
- Compadre, venga a ver esto. Hay noticias de Tiros en el periódico.
El titular decía: "TIROS EN LA UNIVERSIDAD".
El padre de Tiros se puso tan feliz que mató una lechona y celebraron por 3 días el orgullo de que su hijo estuviera en la universidad.
Paso algún tiempo y después volvió el compadre:
- Compadre, noticias de Tiros: "TIROS EN LA LEGISLATURA".
- ¡Oh amigo, mi hijo legislador, vamos a celebrar, yo sabia que ese muchacho llegaba lejos...!"
Y mataron una vaca, festejaron por una semana...
Al tiempo volvieron a tener noticias de Tiros, pero esta vez el compadre le dijo:
- ¡Ay compadre, cómo siento tener que decirle esto! ¡Mejor léalo usted mismo, porque yo no tengo corazón para darle esa noticia tan triste!:
..."ESTUDIANTES Y POLICÍAS SE COGEN A TIROS".

Once there was a farmworker couple who, after much yearning for child, finally received their blessing. They had a boy who they called Gunshots.
Gunshots grew up like any normal boy and, once reaching legal age, he left for the capital.
After a few months without news of Gunshots, the owner of a store in the village, who had been reading the newspaper, called Gunshot's father, telling him:
"Compadre, come see this. There's news of Gunshots in the newspaper."
The headline said: "GUNSHOTS IN THE UNIVERSITY."
Gunshot's father was so happy that he killed a pig and they celebrated for three days their pride that Gunshots was in the university.
Some time passed and the compadre returned:
"Compadre, news of Gunshots: 'GUNSHOTS IN THE LEGISLATURE.'"
"Oh friend, my son a legislator! Let us celebrate! I knew that that boy would get far...!"
And they killed a cow and feasted for a week...
Eventually, they again received news of Gunshots, but this time the compadre told him:
"Oh compadre, how I hate to have to tell you this! Better that you should read it yourself, because I don't have the heart to tell you such sad news!"

Headline translation 1: "STUDENTS AND POLICE SEIZE EACH OTHER AT GUNSHOTS."

Headline translation 2: "STUDENTS AND POLICE SEIZE GUNSHOTS."

Notes:
* Érase una vez (Spanish) = Il était une fois (French) = Once upon a time there was (English)
  It's a classic story opener.
* cometido = lit. commitment, obligation, charge
* Tiros = lit. shots, implies gunshots (tiros de pistola)
* la mayoria de edad = legal age of maturity
* compadre = lit. godfather, used informally as a term for friends of the family; female equivalent is comadre.

(4)

Una mujer cansada e indignada de escuchar discusiones entre su marido y su mamá, le dice al marido:
Por favor negro, hacéme un favor, andá a la casa de mi mamá y hablále bien, intenta acercarte, sólo Dios sabe cuánto tiempo más la tengamos con nosotros.
El marido le responde:
Está bien, gorda, lo voy a hacer, pero que conste que lo hago por vos.
Llega a la casa de su suegra, golpea y ahí se encuentran. El hombre amablemente le dice: Hola suegrita, ¿cómo anda?, ya la estábamos extrañando.
La suegra sorprendida lo mira y le dice:
Bien acá ando, intentando descansar.
Y el hombre pregunta:
Mire suegrita, ¿usted cree en la vida después de la muerte?
Sí, responde la suegra.
Bueno si usted se muriera, Dios no lo permita, ¿en qué animal le gustaría reencarnarse? Mmmmmmmmm, me gustaría en una víbora, le responde la suegra.
Y el hombre dice:
¡Noooo! ¡Pero tiene que ser algo que nunca haya sido!


A woman tired and annoyed of listening to bickering between her husband and her mother, tells her husband:
Please, [term of endearment which means "Black"], do me a favor, go to my mother's house and speak well to her, try to get close to her, only God knows how much longer we'll have her with us.
The husband responds:
Fine, [term of endearment which means "Fatty"], I'll do it, but just know that I'm doing it for you.
He gets to his mother-in-law's house, knocks and there they find each other. The man amiably says to her: Hello mother-in-law dearest, how are you? I was starting to miss you.
The mother-in-law, surprised, looks at him and says:
I'm fine, here I am, trying to rest.
And the man asks:
Look, mother-in-law dearest, do you believe in life after death?
Yes, responds the mother-in-law.
Well, if you were to die, God forbid, what animal would you like to be reincarnated as?
Hmmmm, I would like to be a snake, responds the mother-in-law.
And the man says:
Nooo! It has to be something you've never been!

Notes:
* "e" is substituted for "y" (meaning "and") in front of words beginning with the letter i-

More jokes at: http://juchipila.org/celeccionados.htm
Tags: jokes
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